Hilaire Belloc : Cautionary Tales for Children

Young Algernon, the Doctor’s Son,1

Was playing with a Loaded Gun.2

He pointed it towards his sister,1

Aimed very carefully, but Missed her!2

His Father, who was standing near,1

The Loud Explosion chanced to Hear,1

And reprimanded Algernon1

For playing with a Loaded Gun.2

The nicest child I ever knew1

Was Charles Augustus Fortescue.2

He never lost his cap, or tore3

His stockings or his pinafore:4

In eating Bread he made no Crumbs,5

He was extremely fond of sums,6

To which, however, he preferred1

The Parsing of a Latin Word—2

He sought, when it was in his power,3

For information twice an hour,4

And as for finding Mutton-Fat5

Unappetising, far from that!6

He often, at his Father’s Board,7

Would beg them, of his own accord,8

To give him, if they did not mind,1

The Greasiest Morsels they could find—2

His Later Years did not belie3

The Promise of his Infancy.4

In Public Life he always tried5

To take a judgment Broad and Wide;6

In Private, none was more than he1

Renowned for quiet courtesy.2

He rose at once in his Career,3

And long before his Fortieth Year4

Had wedded5

Fifi,6

Only Child1

Of Bunyan, First Lord Aberfylde.2

He thus became immensely Rich,3

And built the Splendid Mansion which4

Is called5

the cedars muswell hill1

Where he resides in Affluence still2

To show what Everybody might3

Become by4

SIMPLY DOING RIGHT.5

His Uncle came on Franklin Hyde1

Carousing in the Dirt.2

He Shook him hard from Side to Side3

And4

Hit him till it Hurt,1

Exclaiming, with a Final Thud, “Take2

that! Abandoned Boy!1

For Playing with Disgusting Mud2

As though it were a Toy!”3

From Franklin Hyde’s adventure, learn1

To pass your Leisure Time2

In Cleanly Merriment, and turn3

From Mud and Ooze and Slime4

And every form of Nastiness—5

But, on the other Hand,6

Children in ordinary Dress7

May always play with Sand.8

When George’s Grandmamma was told1

That George had been as good as Gold,1

She Promised in the Afternoon2

To buy him an Immense BALLOON.3

And4

so she did; but when it came,1

It got into the candle flame,2

And being of a dangerous sort3

Exploded4

with a loud report!1

The Lights went out! The Windows broke!2

The Room was filled with reeking smoke.3

And in the darkness shrieks and yells4

Were mingled with Electric Bells,5

And falling masonry and groans,6

And crunching, as of broken bones,7

And dreadful shrieks, when, worst of all,8

The House itself began to fall!9

It tottered, shuddering to and fro,10

Then crashed into the street below—11

Which happened to be Savile Row.12

When Help arrived, among the Dead1

Were2

Cousin Mary,1

Little Fred,1

The Footmen1

(both of them),1

The Groom,1

The man that cleaned the Billiard-Room,1

The Chaplain, and1

The Still-Room Maid.1

And I am dreadfully afraid2

That Monsieur Champignon, the Chef,3

Will now be4

permanently deaf—1

And both his2

Aides3

are much the same;1

While George, who was in part to blame,2

Received, you will regret to hear,3

A nasty lump4

behind the ear.1

MORAL1

The moral is that little Boys2

Should not be given dangerous Toys.3

Godolphin Horne was Nobly Born;1

He held the Human Race in Scorn,2

And lived with all his Sisters where3

His father lived, in Berkeley Square.4

And oh! the Lad was Deathly Proud!5

He never shook your Hand or Bowed,6

But merely smirked and nodded7

thus:1

How perfectly ridiculous!2

Alas! That such Affected Tricks3

Should flourish in a Child of Six!4

(For such was Young Godolphin’s age).5

Just then, the Court required a Page,1

Whereat2

the Lord High Chamberlain1

(The Kindest and the Best of Men),2

He went good-naturedly and3

took1

A Perfectly Enormous Book2

Called People Qualified to Be3

Attendant on His Majesty,4

And murmured, as he scanned the list5

(To see that no one should be missed),6

“There’s7

William Coutts has got the Flue, 1

And Billy Higgs would never do,2

And Guy de Vere is far too young,3

And ... wasn’t D’Alton's Father hung?1

And as for Alexander Byng!— ...2

I think I know the kind of thing,3

A Churchman, cleanly, nobly born,4

Come5

let us say Godolphin Horne?”1

But hardly had he said the word2

When Murmurs of Dissent were heard.3

The King of Iceland’s Eldest Son4

Said, “Thank you! I am taking none!”5

The Aged Duchess of Athlone6

Remarked, in her sub-acid tone,7

“I doubt if He is what we need!”8

With which the Bishops all agreed;9

And even Lady Mary Flood10

(So Kind, and oh! so really good)11

Said, “No! He wouldn’t do at all,12

He’d make us feel a lot too small,”13

The Chamberlain said,14

“ ... Well, well, well!1

No doubt you’re right.... One cannot tell!”2

He took his Gold and Diamond Pen3

And4

Scratched Godolphin out again.1

So now Godolphin is the Boy2

Who blacks the Boots at the Savoy.3

The Chief Defect of Henry King1

Was2

chewing little bits of String.1

At last he swallowed some which tied2

Itself in ugly Knots inside.3

Physicians of the Utmost Fame1

Were called at once; but when they came2

They answered,3

as they took their Fees,1

“There is no Cure for this Disease.2

Henry will very soon be dead.”3

His Parents stood about his Bed4

Lamenting his Untimely Death,5

When Henry, with his Latest Breath,6

Cried—7

“Oh, my Friends, be warned by me,8

That Breakfast, Dinner, Lunch and Tea1

Are all the Human Frame requires ...”2

With that the Wretched Child expires.3

“Oh, Murder! What was that, Papa!”1

“My child, It was a Motor-Car,2

A Most Ingenious Toy!3

Designed to Captivate and Charm 1

Much rather than to rouse Alarm2

In any English Boy.3

“What would your Great Grandfather who 1

Was Aide-de-Camp to General Brue,2

And lost a leg at Waterloo, 1

And Quatre-Bras and1

Ligny too!1

And died at Trafalgar!—1

What would he have remarked to hear1

His Young Descendant shriek with fear,2

Because he happened to be near3

A Harmless Motor-Car!4

But do not fret about it! Come!5

We’ll off to Town And purchase some!”6

And is it True? It is not True.1

And if it were it wouldn’t do,2

For people such as me and you3

Who pretty nearly all day long4

Are doing something rather wrong.5

Because if things were really so,6

You would have perished long ago,7

And I would not have lived to write8

The noble lines that meet your sight,9

Nor B. T. B. survived to draw10

The nicest things you ever saw.11

H. B.12

There was a Boy whose name was Jim;1

His Friends were very good to him.2

They gave himTea, and Cakes, and Jam,3

And slices of deliciousHam,4

And Chocolate with pink inside,5

And little Tricycles to ride,6

And7

read him Stories through and through,1

And even took him to the Zoo—2

But there it was the dreadful Fate3

Befell him, which I now relate.4

You know—at least you ought to know.5

For I have often told you so—6

That Children never are allowed7

To leave their Nurses in a Crowd;8

Now this was Jim’s especial Foible,9

He ran away when he was able,10

And on this inauspicious day11

He slipped his hand and ran away!12

He hadn’t gone a yard when—13

Bang!1

With open Jaws, a Lion sprang,2

And hungrily began to eat3

The Boy: beginning at his feet.4

Now just imagine how it feels5

When first your toes and then your heels,6

And then by gradual degrees,7

Your shins and ankles, calves and knees,8

Are slowly eaten, bit by bit.9

No wonder Jim detested it!1

No wonder that he shouted “Hi!”2

The Honest Keeper heard his cry,3

Though very fat4

he almost ran1

To help the little gentleman.2

“Ponto!” he ordered as he came3

(For Ponto was the Lion’s name),4

“Ponto!” he cried,5

with angry Frown.1

“Let go, Sir! Down, Sir! Put it down!”2

The Lion made a sudden Stop,3

He let the Dainty Morsel drop,4

And slunk reluctant to his Cage,5

Snarling with Disappointed Rage6

But when he bent him over Jim,7

The Honest Keeper’s8

Eyes were dim.1

The Lion having reached his Head,2

The Miserable Boy was dead!3

When Nurse informed his Parents, they1

Were more Concerned than I can say:—2

His Mother, as She dried her eyes,3

Said, “Well—it gives me no surprise,4

He would not do as he was told!”5

His Father, who was self-controlled,6

Bade all the children round attend7

To James’ miserable end,8

And always keep a-hold of Nurse9

For fear of finding something worse.10

Lord Lundy from his earliest years1

Was far too freely moved to Tears.2

For instance if his Mother said,3

“Lundy! It’s time to go to Bed!”4

He bellowed like a Little Turk.5

Or if his father Lord Dunquerque1

Said “Hi!” in a Commanding Tone,2

“Hi, Lundy! Leave the Cat alone!”3

Lord Lundy, letting go its tail,4

Would raise so terrible a wail5

As move His Grandpapa the Duke 1

To utter the severe rebuke:2

“When I, Sir! was a little Boy,3

An Animal was not a Toy!”4

To utter the severe rebuke:1

“When I, Sir! was a little Boy,2

An Animal was not a Toy!”3

His father’s Elder Sister, who4

Was married to a Parvenoo,5

Confided to Her Husband, “Drat!1

The Miserable, Peevish Brat!2

Why don’t they drown the Little Beast?”3

Suggestions which, to say the least,4

Are not what we expect to hear5

From Daughters of an English Peer.6

His grandmamma, His Mother’s Mother,7

Who had some dignity or other,8

The Garter, or no matter what,9

I can’t remember all the Lot!10

Said “Oh! that I were Brisk and Spry11

To give him that for which to cry!”12

(An empty wish, alas! for she Was Blind and nearly ninety-three).13

The Dear Old Butler thought—but there!1

I really neither know nor care2

For what the Dear Old Butler thought!3

In my opinion, Butlers ought4

To know their place, and not to play5

The Old Retainer night and day6

I’m getting tired and so are you,7

Let’s cut the Poem into two!8

It happened to Lord Lundy then,1

As happens to so many men:2

Towards the age of twenty-six,3

They shoved him into politics;4

In which profession he commanded5

The income that his rank demanded6

In turn as Secretary for7

India, the Colonies, and War.8

But very soon his friends began9

To doubt if he were quite the man:10

Thus, if a member rose to say11

(As members do from day to day),12

“Arising out of that reply ...!”1

Lord Lundy would begin to cry.1

A Hint at harmless little jobs2

Would shake him with convulsive sobs.3

While as for Revelations, these1

Would simply bring him to his knees,2

And leave him whimpering like a child.3

It drove his Colleagues raving wild!4

They let him sink from Post to Post,5

From fifteen hundred at the most6

To eight, and barely six—and then7

To be Curator of Big Ben!...8

And finally there came a Threat9

To oust him from the Cabinet!10

The Duke—his aged grand-sire—bore1

The shame till he could bear no more.2

He rallied his declining powers,3

Summoned the youth to Brackley Towers,4

And bitterly addressed him thus—5

“Sir! you have disappointed us!6

We had intended you to be7

The next Prime Minister but three:8

The stocks were sold; the Press was squared:9

The Middle Class was quite prepared.10

But as it is!... My language fails!11

Go out and govern New South Wales!”1

The Aged Patriot groaned and died:1

And gracious! how Lord Lundy cried!2

Matilda told such Dreadful Lies,1

It made one Gasp and Stretch one’s Eyes;2

Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,3

Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth,4

Attempted to Believe Matilda:5

The effort very nearly killed her,6

And would have done so, had not She7

Discovered this Infirmity.8

For once, towards the Close of Day,9

Matilda, growing tired of play,10

And finding she was left alone,11

Went tiptoe12

to13

the Telephone14

And summoned the Immediate Aid15

Of London’s Noble Fire-Brigade.16

Within an hour the Gallant Band17

Were pouring in on every hand,18

From Putney, Hackney Downs and Bow,19

With Courage high and Hearts a-glow20

They galloped, roaring through the Town,21

“Matilda’s House is Burning Down!”22

Inspired by British Cheers and Loud23

Proceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,24

They ran their ladders through a score25

Of windows on the Ball Room Floor;26

And took Peculiar Pains to Souse27

The Pictures up and down the House,28

Until Matilda’s Aunt succeeded29

In showing them they were not needed30

And even then she had to pay31

To get the Men to go away!32

It happened that a few Weeks later1

Her Aunt was off to the Theatre2

To see that Interesting Play3

The Second Mrs. Tanqueray.4

She had refused to take her Niece5

To hear this Entertaining Piece:6

A Deprivation Just and Wise7

To Punish her for Telling Lies.8

That Night a Fire did break out—9

You should have heard Matilda Shout!10

You should have heard her Scream and Bawl,11

And throw the window up and call12

To People passing in the Street—13

(The rapidly increasing Heat14

Encouraging her to obtain15

Their confidence)—but all in vain!16

For every time She shouted “Fire!”17

They only answered “Little Liar!”18

And therefore when her Aunt returned,19

Matilda, and the House, were Burned.20

A Trick that everyone abhors1

In Little Girls is slamming Doors.2

A3

Wealthy Banker’s1

Little Daughter1

Who lived in Palace Green, Bayswater1

(By name Rebecca Offendort),2

Was given to this Furious Sport.3

She would deliberately go1

And Slam the door like1

Billy-Ho!2

To make1

her1

Uncle Jacob start.1

She was not really bad at heart,2

But only rather rude and wild:3

She was an aggravating child....4

It happened that a Marble Bust1

Of Abraham was standing just2

Above the Door this little Lamb3

Had carefully prepared to Slam,4

And Down it came! It knocked her flat!5

It laid her out! She looked like that.1

Her funeral Sermon (which was long1

And followed by a Sacred Song)2

Mentioned her Virtues, it is true,3

But dwelt upon her Vices too,4

And showed the Dreadful End of One5

Who goes and slams the door for Fun.6

The children who were brought to hear1

The awful Tale from far and near2

Were much impressed,3

and inly swore1

They never more would slam the Door.2

—As often they had done before.3